This is it, I've officially become crazy. I don't know who I am anymore. I tell myself that all my thoughts are not my own, all my actions are not me. I am only the one who receives, like a radio, just an object. I can either accept them or reject them. My negative thoughts are always there, like glue, I am unable to remove them. Sometimes I ask myself who is in controls all that is me. Ghosts? Aliens? God? Where do these ideas of me wanting to decapitate my neighbours come from? Where do images of dancing bears come out of nowhere? Where do these instantaneous happy and sad emotions come from?
Sometimes I am able to push back these feelings at will. Sometimes, I cannot.
I think my brain has snapped, and is playing tricks on me.
In my moments of clarity, I really don't mind at all that my brain broke down on me. I tell myself I can not give any cares about the negativity, that I can just laugh everything away. Maybe I should just laugh all of my negative thoughts, especially when I have those images of decapitating people, I don't know. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like a robot.
I choose to be happy, and I push away my negativity, and I feel empty. I then push that emptiness away, but nothing can replace nothing. Sometimes for fun, i push away my happiness, just because I know that I can. Sometimes my only comfort is to laugh, and I'll find myself laughing for no reason at random intervals.
Laughter saved my life, and will save it again. It is the great equaliser of everything. It can stop negative thought, it can stop physical pain, it enhances the positive, it makes love even better. For me, love is the greatest mental emotion, and laughter is the greatest physical reaction. With both at your side, I believe you are truly unstoppable.
As I said above, in the greater picture of things, all of these negative thoughts don't really bother me at all. They say one much touch rock bottom before being able to rise up. After all the happened to me, I don't think I even touched the bottom. Maybe I did touch the bottom, but in retrospect, it wasn't that bad at all. If I had to do it all again, I would. But why? Because I don't care? Because I am crazy? Maybe I'm super-sain. Maybe the voice in my head is the saint, and I'm the crazy one. Maybe we are all the crazy ones.
All of this has made me not fear death anymore. Do I want to die? No, I want to live forever! Why? I'm not sure myself, it's a drive in me. I want to help people, through my words, my actions, I don't know. There are too many people who suffer in this world, we don't need to suffer, it's pointless and stupid. Maybe there is a reason to suffer, maybe it makes you strength to go on, it makes you grow. It doesn't do any of these things for me. Where does my will to live, to do things come from? I have no idea either. I think it comes from me, from the inside of my brain.
I control my brain. If I am able to control what I want to feel, I should also be able to to control my physical actions. But why have projects, goals in the first place? Can I create a story in my mind as to why every action I do is important? Am I able to do these actions the same way without said invented story? Can I create some type of emotion that is tied to every action? Pride? I don't have pride. Happiness? Should I block out all happiness until an action is complete? What if I want my happiness now? Do i have to power to not give in to my own demands?
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Sometimes I tell myself that there is someone, at the very top, looking down at the whole canvas which is space-time-whatever else. I feel that he is protecting me, maybe even protecting all of us. He's protecting us and he's laughing. He's laughing at the absurdity of it all, the absurdity of life. Maybe he lost his mind, maybe he's understood something that no one else has, or something that no one ever will. Maybe there is nothing to understand.
The older I get, the more I see his point of view, and the more that I laugh. Sometimes I imagine I will meet him one day, and we will laugh together in the perfect harmony that is the everything, the ensemble, the totality.
Sometimes I think that I am this future laughing entity.
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