I'm Sick

I am sick. I have a voice of a 5 year old in my head. An angry child that repeats nasty words in my mind over and over again. He will say bad things towards other people, calling them “ugly”, “fat”, “old”, he never has anything positive to say. He will see other races, and call them “niggers” or “chinks”. He will listen to other people’s stories and scream “liar” or say “LOL” when listening to people pouring their heart out. He will shout “pedophile” or “rape” when seeing certain people on the street. He will tell me I am a “liar”, or say that I am “beautiful” or “the best” when I have never thought this about myself in the past. I can’t control this voice, I don’t know if I should kill it, or try to calm it.

The worst is when the voice hurts the people who I love, my family, my friends, the people close to me. When I explain the situation to people, they ask me if the voice hasn’t always been a part of me. I’ve thought about it long and hard, and I have multiple reasons to think this is something else, a sickness.

One of the reasons I think it’s not the real me is that I will say bad things towards the same person over and over again. I can understand someone seeing another for the first time and saying something bad, but to repeat the same judgement over and over again for over an hour? It clearly is obsessive compulsive disorder. (OCD). Sometimes, the voice will say means things when no one of said characteristic is in the room. For example, the voice will say “fat” when no one in the room is of a generous proportion. Even when I am alone, this voice will say obscenities without any reason, so I also think that it has Tourette like properties.

People have also asked me if I have ever had racist thoughts in the past. I have come the the conclusion of no. I was born in Martinique, and I have traveled all my life and have lived in many other countries. I have had many friends of multiple races, and have been an avid fan of hip-hop for a long time, which is well known for their different and diverse races and cultures. I have no idea where this racism can come from. I even remember telling multiple people that if someone came to talk to me on the street, and I had to describe them to someone, I couldn’t even tell you what race they where. No one ever believed me when I told them this.

Another reason that I think that it’s a sickness, is that I will say two words at the same time. I once said “hello” to someone in my mind, and at the same time, the word “asshole” was formulated. It’s impossible for me to think two words at the same time, so precise and clearly in my head. Three times, this even has happened.

I can feel a pressure in my body. The pressure rises in my head, which expands and doesn’t stop until I say something horrible. To escape from the pressure, I have created multiple ways to try and get myself past it. The first one is simple, to just to look at the floor, as if I cannot see anyone, I cannot hurt anyone. Sometimes I’ll move my body, and click my fingers or do a little dance while walking, or I will imagine a parrot (which has a mentality of a five year old, and who repeats himself over and over again) who walks or flies around me. In the worst cases, I’ll scream “shut up Mika”,  “kill me”, or I’ll try to communicate to the voice by saying “Oh, what, are you gonna say something mean again!? I’m waiting!” etc.

I sometimes have violent images in my head, like shooting people and loved ones with a machine gun. I am able to control these thoughts by changing the weapon into a teddy bear, and throwing it away somewhere deep in my mind. Because of these, I prefer to keep my visual mind dark, as to not risk any sort of violent thoughts.

All of this started in December. The first time I felt the meanness, I was at work, and I was thinking of one of my colleagues, and I couldn’t stop saying that he was ugly. I told myself to stop, but it didn’t work. Even after work, when I was walking to my house, the thoughts persisted, and I couldn’t get myself to stop.

I remember my boss saying something to me, and I could sense a force in my chest, wanting to say something mean to him, it was something that I had never felt in my life.

Another time, I remember being on break, and everything was fine, I was feeling quite happy. I finished my break, and I walk into the work room. Suddenly, the pressure in my body came at full force, and I kept on saying the work “nigger” over and over in my head, and I still have no idea why. I instilled physical pain to try and stop it, but nothing worked. It was one of the worst days of my life.

I remember having bad thoughts about my family during christmas.

I have many times pinched myself, bite my arms, stabbed myself with a paper clip over and over again to try and use pain as a remedy for the voice in my head. Because of this sickness, I lost many friends. I stayed locked in my room, because hurting other people hurt me in the process. Even if it’s only in my head, they are still intrusif thoughts that are not my own. I sometimes have better days than others, but I will not stop until it goes away completely. For now, I will do yoga, meditate, swim, and go see a psychologist to get rid of this madness which is in my mind.

There is a positive side to all of this. I never was a saint, and I will never be one, but I do want to become a better person, to be nicer with people and to get less angry in the future. If I am one day cleansed from this sickness, I will certainly be a better person for sure. The road will probably be a long one, but I know that I will be back to my old self one day, and be a better person for it.

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Having a sane head is the most important thing one can have. 
All the rest is vapour.