Crazy in the head, I have an internal voice that says horrible things at other people, kind of like the Tourret's sickness, and it makes me uncomfortable with myself, to look at the people that I love, and have the voice say “ugly”, “fat”, “nigger”, slut”, retard”, etc. it hurts me. I try to control this voice, but I can't. I don't want to see anyone anymore, I can't even speak to people.
Even worse, this voice sounds exactly like my own, and it hurts me to hears these mean and racist things. I think it's disgusting, despicable, and I can't take it anymore. Sometimes, I'm scared that the voices that I have in my head will come out of my mouth. I torture my mind to control the the voice, but I am not able to manage it. Look at me, Mikael Laporte, writing down my emotions in you. I feel depressive, anxious, alone, but for some reason, it's not as bad as it really is.
Life continues, I try to say “fuck it”, I try to rationalize, see the big picture, I have my physical health, a job, an apartment, it could be much worse. I think I'm a little crazy to suddenly have all these mental problems, but it's not the end of the world. I don't think it will get better in the future, I even think it'll get worse, but for some reason, it doesn't bother me that much. I'm not gonna give in to my new mind, I'm just gonna continue to fight the torture which is in my head, try to find the positive, the funny side of life, as that's the only thing I know how to do.
Maybe I should go see a psychologist? Take some pills? Meditate? I don't know, but I know I will laugh all the way till my death. I think people take life too seriously, I don't want to fall into that trap, no matter how much worse it gets.
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