If most people believe it is true, it becomes true to all
Because I believe that if most people believe it is true, it is true to all because I believe that this is true.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Monday, April 10, 2017
The God's of Risk
Today, I played Risk, the board game of Global Domination.
I may have lost, but the information I received greatly surpassed that loss.
While I was playing, I was observing all of my friends, who were moving their little soldiers around on the map of their world. I started thinking that the soldiers maybe had their own lives, their own conciseness churning around in their heads.
Maybe these soldiers were alive in their own way, maybe they had families to think about, friends, lovers, and they were at war fighting for them. But why were they fighting the soldiers? Was it racism? Did each colour have a set of values and beliefs the other colours disagreed with? Did they just fight over the territory to have more land, to complete their mission?
Did all of the soldiers and canons agree that war was the answer to their troubles? Did some of them protest the war? Did some of these soldiers have faith, and got down on their knees before each battle and pray to their Gods asking for victory? But who were their Gods? Of course, we were their Gods, but how did they know of our existence? Was it the ash from one of our cigarettes that fell from the skies and landed in their world? Was it the tiny amount of saliva that dropped and hit one of the horses on the head during battle?
Well, the soldiers obviously knew something existed, but who were they praying to in actuality? One of the God was very concentrated playing, planing strategies and doing the best he could to win the game. Another was constantly on their phone, texting another God they were probably in love with. Another God had eyes as red as the army he was controlling, taking big puffs on his spliff before each turn, while I was laying on a couch, cradling my head trying to cure the hangover I had last night, while another still was not playing but watching us from a distance.
Imagine if one of the Green soldiers is praying for his family, his life, the victory of the battle, to someone who is doing rails of coke in a plane just out of his vision. How would he feel if he found out the truth, that the only reason for his existence is because his God wanted to get high, and he wanted to please the girl he was playing against?
Imagine if it's the same for us, the Gods are playing a game with us, and some of them don't care about us at all, all we are are little pawns on a table. We may give the same importance to our Gods as our soldiers give to us. As we pray to our Gods, some take us seriously, while others are shooting their semen all over us for the fun of it.
Later that night, something happened with one of the players that should have hurt me, but then I thought about that God above us who was inserting a frozen feces from his future self he had found in the plane of frost into one of his orfices, and life did not seem so bad.
That session of Risk opened my mind, and told me there are some higher powers who care more than others, and some who do not care at all and that's ok. It made me less scared of the Gods above us, of the unknown, and made them feel more human to me, more relatable in that way.
There was one final piece of information that I had forgotten though, something that made us all equal.
The Dice.
The laws of probability, the true Gods in this story. You can choose the best tactic to conquer a piece of land, but in the end, the dice have the final say. They are the ones who can make or break the game.
It made me wonder, do the Gods have their own version of Dice when they play with us?
===
Einstein would turn over in his grave. Not only does God play dice, the dice are loaded.
- Chairman Sheng-ji Yang
I may have lost, but the information I received greatly surpassed that loss.
While I was playing, I was observing all of my friends, who were moving their little soldiers around on the map of their world. I started thinking that the soldiers maybe had their own lives, their own conciseness churning around in their heads.
Maybe these soldiers were alive in their own way, maybe they had families to think about, friends, lovers, and they were at war fighting for them. But why were they fighting the soldiers? Was it racism? Did each colour have a set of values and beliefs the other colours disagreed with? Did they just fight over the territory to have more land, to complete their mission?
Did all of the soldiers and canons agree that war was the answer to their troubles? Did some of them protest the war? Did some of these soldiers have faith, and got down on their knees before each battle and pray to their Gods asking for victory? But who were their Gods? Of course, we were their Gods, but how did they know of our existence? Was it the ash from one of our cigarettes that fell from the skies and landed in their world? Was it the tiny amount of saliva that dropped and hit one of the horses on the head during battle?
Well, the soldiers obviously knew something existed, but who were they praying to in actuality? One of the God was very concentrated playing, planing strategies and doing the best he could to win the game. Another was constantly on their phone, texting another God they were probably in love with. Another God had eyes as red as the army he was controlling, taking big puffs on his spliff before each turn, while I was laying on a couch, cradling my head trying to cure the hangover I had last night, while another still was not playing but watching us from a distance.
Imagine if one of the Green soldiers is praying for his family, his life, the victory of the battle, to someone who is doing rails of coke in a plane just out of his vision. How would he feel if he found out the truth, that the only reason for his existence is because his God wanted to get high, and he wanted to please the girl he was playing against?
Imagine if it's the same for us, the Gods are playing a game with us, and some of them don't care about us at all, all we are are little pawns on a table. We may give the same importance to our Gods as our soldiers give to us. As we pray to our Gods, some take us seriously, while others are shooting their semen all over us for the fun of it.
Later that night, something happened with one of the players that should have hurt me, but then I thought about that God above us who was inserting a frozen feces from his future self he had found in the plane of frost into one of his orfices, and life did not seem so bad.
That session of Risk opened my mind, and told me there are some higher powers who care more than others, and some who do not care at all and that's ok. It made me less scared of the Gods above us, of the unknown, and made them feel more human to me, more relatable in that way.
There was one final piece of information that I had forgotten though, something that made us all equal.
The Dice.
The laws of probability, the true Gods in this story. You can choose the best tactic to conquer a piece of land, but in the end, the dice have the final say. They are the ones who can make or break the game.
It made me wonder, do the Gods have their own version of Dice when they play with us?
===
Einstein would turn over in his grave. Not only does God play dice, the dice are loaded.
- Chairman Sheng-ji Yang
Friday, January 13, 2017
The Man who Laughed
This is it, I've officially become crazy. I don't know who I am anymore. I tell myself that all my thoughts are not my own, all my actions are not me. I am only the one who receives, like a radio, just an object. I can either accept them or reject them. My negative thoughts are always there, like glue, I am unable to remove them. Sometimes I ask myself who is in controls all that is me. Ghosts? Aliens? God? Where do these ideas of me wanting to decapitate my neighbours come from? Where do images of dancing bears come out of nowhere? Where do these instantaneous happy and sad emotions come from?
Sometimes I am able to push back these feelings at will. Sometimes, I cannot.
I think my brain has snapped, and is playing tricks on me.
In my moments of clarity, I really don't mind at all that my brain broke down on me. I tell myself I can not give any cares about the negativity, that I can just laugh everything away. Maybe I should just laugh all of my negative thoughts, especially when I have those images of decapitating people, I don't know. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like a robot.
I choose to be happy, and I push away my negativity, and I feel empty. I then push that emptiness away, but nothing can replace nothing. Sometimes for fun, i push away my happiness, just because I know that I can. Sometimes my only comfort is to laugh, and I'll find myself laughing for no reason at random intervals.
Laughter saved my life, and will save it again. It is the great equaliser of everything. It can stop negative thought, it can stop physical pain, it enhances the positive, it makes love even better. For me, love is the greatest mental emotion, and laughter is the greatest physical reaction. With both at your side, I believe you are truly unstoppable.
As I said above, in the greater picture of things, all of these negative thoughts don't really bother me at all. They say one much touch rock bottom before being able to rise up. After all the happened to me, I don't think I even touched the bottom. Maybe I did touch the bottom, but in retrospect, it wasn't that bad at all. If I had to do it all again, I would. But why? Because I don't care? Because I am crazy? Maybe I'm super-sain. Maybe the voice in my head is the saint, and I'm the crazy one. Maybe we are all the crazy ones.
All of this has made me not fear death anymore. Do I want to die? No, I want to live forever! Why? I'm not sure myself, it's a drive in me. I want to help people, through my words, my actions, I don't know. There are too many people who suffer in this world, we don't need to suffer, it's pointless and stupid. Maybe there is a reason to suffer, maybe it makes you strength to go on, it makes you grow. It doesn't do any of these things for me. Where does my will to live, to do things come from? I have no idea either. I think it comes from me, from the inside of my brain.
I control my brain. If I am able to control what I want to feel, I should also be able to to control my physical actions. But why have projects, goals in the first place? Can I create a story in my mind as to why every action I do is important? Am I able to do these actions the same way without said invented story? Can I create some type of emotion that is tied to every action? Pride? I don't have pride. Happiness? Should I block out all happiness until an action is complete? What if I want my happiness now? Do i have to power to not give in to my own demands?
====
Sometimes I tell myself that there is someone, at the very top, looking down at the whole canvas which is space-time-whatever else. I feel that he is protecting me, maybe even protecting all of us. He's protecting us and he's laughing. He's laughing at the absurdity of it all, the absurdity of life. Maybe he lost his mind, maybe he's understood something that no one else has, or something that no one ever will. Maybe there is nothing to understand.
The older I get, the more I see his point of view, and the more that I laugh. Sometimes I imagine I will meet him one day, and we will laugh together in the perfect harmony that is the everything, the ensemble, the totality.
Sometimes I think that I am this future laughing entity.
Sometimes I am able to push back these feelings at will. Sometimes, I cannot.
I think my brain has snapped, and is playing tricks on me.
In my moments of clarity, I really don't mind at all that my brain broke down on me. I tell myself I can not give any cares about the negativity, that I can just laugh everything away. Maybe I should just laugh all of my negative thoughts, especially when I have those images of decapitating people, I don't know. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like a robot.
I choose to be happy, and I push away my negativity, and I feel empty. I then push that emptiness away, but nothing can replace nothing. Sometimes for fun, i push away my happiness, just because I know that I can. Sometimes my only comfort is to laugh, and I'll find myself laughing for no reason at random intervals.
Laughter saved my life, and will save it again. It is the great equaliser of everything. It can stop negative thought, it can stop physical pain, it enhances the positive, it makes love even better. For me, love is the greatest mental emotion, and laughter is the greatest physical reaction. With both at your side, I believe you are truly unstoppable.
As I said above, in the greater picture of things, all of these negative thoughts don't really bother me at all. They say one much touch rock bottom before being able to rise up. After all the happened to me, I don't think I even touched the bottom. Maybe I did touch the bottom, but in retrospect, it wasn't that bad at all. If I had to do it all again, I would. But why? Because I don't care? Because I am crazy? Maybe I'm super-sain. Maybe the voice in my head is the saint, and I'm the crazy one. Maybe we are all the crazy ones.
All of this has made me not fear death anymore. Do I want to die? No, I want to live forever! Why? I'm not sure myself, it's a drive in me. I want to help people, through my words, my actions, I don't know. There are too many people who suffer in this world, we don't need to suffer, it's pointless and stupid. Maybe there is a reason to suffer, maybe it makes you strength to go on, it makes you grow. It doesn't do any of these things for me. Where does my will to live, to do things come from? I have no idea either. I think it comes from me, from the inside of my brain.
I control my brain. If I am able to control what I want to feel, I should also be able to to control my physical actions. But why have projects, goals in the first place? Can I create a story in my mind as to why every action I do is important? Am I able to do these actions the same way without said invented story? Can I create some type of emotion that is tied to every action? Pride? I don't have pride. Happiness? Should I block out all happiness until an action is complete? What if I want my happiness now? Do i have to power to not give in to my own demands?
====
Sometimes I tell myself that there is someone, at the very top, looking down at the whole canvas which is space-time-whatever else. I feel that he is protecting me, maybe even protecting all of us. He's protecting us and he's laughing. He's laughing at the absurdity of it all, the absurdity of life. Maybe he lost his mind, maybe he's understood something that no one else has, or something that no one ever will. Maybe there is nothing to understand.
The older I get, the more I see his point of view, and the more that I laugh. Sometimes I imagine I will meet him one day, and we will laugh together in the perfect harmony that is the everything, the ensemble, the totality.
Sometimes I think that I am this future laughing entity.
The Submarine of Thought
In the beginning, the answers I had for the questions of life were simple.
As I continued my search, my answers grew more and more complex.
In the end, i realised that the simplest answers were more often than not, the right answers, the answers with the most meaning behind them.
===
It's like a submarine.
It starts off at the surface, but as time goes by, the submarine goes deeper and deeper into the ocean. At one point, it goes so deep, that it resurfaces on the other side of the world, finding the simple answers to be the truest.
The journey of finding the answer is just as important than the answer itself.
Conditioned to be Ashamed.
I feel like we live in a society where we are conditioned to feel ashamed of ourselves.
Ashamed of our physical attributes, of our thoughts, everything we do and say.
Is it society that creates us like this? Does it force us to be a certain way? Why don't we accept other's desires in others if those desires are not accepted by society?
Why are we so deep when judged individually, but so shallow when we are judged as a group?
What changes exactly? Do we just want to be accepted by people who surround us?
Where does the feeling come from to want to be accepted?
Does it come from the media?
Do animals want to be accepted also?
Let's stop judging others for the same things that we hide.
Or just stop judging, full stop.
Ashamed of our physical attributes, of our thoughts, everything we do and say.
Is it society that creates us like this? Does it force us to be a certain way? Why don't we accept other's desires in others if those desires are not accepted by society?
Why are we so deep when judged individually, but so shallow when we are judged as a group?
What changes exactly? Do we just want to be accepted by people who surround us?
Where does the feeling come from to want to be accepted?
Does it come from the media?
Do animals want to be accepted also?
Let's stop judging others for the same things that we hide.
Or just stop judging, full stop.
The infinite Printer
Imagine a printer, with an unlimited stack of papers.
The first page that comes out of the printer is blank, pure white.
The second page comes out with just a black pixel on the upper left side of the paper.
The third page has that pixel move just to the right of the previous pixel.
On each paper that comes out, the pixel continues to move across the page.
When the pixel reaches the end of the page, the next series of pages have 2 pixels on it, that travel along the page.
After that, you have 3 pixels, then 4 pixels, 10, a hundred, a million, trillions, all the pixels moving and shifting over one another.
The very last page is pure black, covered in pixels.
What can you find in between all of those pages?
Everything.
Everything that can possibly be imagined.
A picture of you on a dragon.
You sitting at the table with the 12 apostles.
A giant boat sitting atop a mountain,
An eye in an eye.
You and me in each other's arms.
Everything that you can imagine, and everything that you would have never imagined given many lifetimes.
Now imagine that the printer is in colour.
Would that mean that our imagination is limited? If someone sat down and memorised each page, would that mean he would have acquired all of human imagination possible? Nothing else to invent? They would know every story ever written (As it can print text too.)
All movies shown, image by image?
I think it's sad that there is a limit to our imagination, but also exciting to discover everything.
I hope that I am wrong about this machine, I hope that there is something that the machine cannot print. Emotion, I guess? What if there was an emotion machine that can make you feel every known emotions felt by man, at every intensity?
What if the machine could also print every sound possible? Mozart, Ice Cube, Jain?
Could we build a machine that does the same for smells? Taste?
Are we only limited by our senses?
Are there any senses that we can't access?
Is the world limited, or unlimited?
What if we could plug in all these machines directly in our brain?
Is it better to know all, or discover life through time?
Hopefully, I will know one day :)
Dear Negative Thoughts...
Do not trust your negative thoughts and feelings. I know not from whence they came, but they are not part of the original you.
I have no idea where they come from, but I know that they are not a part of us. The negative part of us activates and deactivates. We feel good , then in an instant, we can feel lonely, sad, angry, we want to cry for no reason. We don't control these negative emotions, why do we suddenly, for no reason at all, have negative memories appear just before us, or feel anxious when we are around people.
So don't worry about it. Don't worry when these intruders appear out of nowhere, they are just visitors. Why does this "negativity" want to hurt us? Is there a miscommunication, maybe they are just trying to help? If only we could talk to our little, emotional buddies. Tell them, hey, stop that, it's not nice, how would you feel if we did that to you? Maybe they would like it. Maybe spreading joy and love hurts them, and that's why they retaliate.
The best advice I can give is either to ignore them, or have constructive communication with them. Don't worry about it, we all have them, I think. All of these, weird, sad, violent thoughts aren't really you. Think of them as an unexpected visitor that, may or may not go away one day. Let them try to torture you, bring up that weird event you had when you were a teenager, that's all they do, make you remember. Have a good chuckle with them, and move on. If you can laugh about it, these emotions seem to not care to hassle you with them in the future.
A Letter to All Negative Thoughts:
Attention negative thoughts! Please leave me alone! I don't want to kill you, and I don't mind if you stay in my head, I mean, only if it pleases you of course, but please relax! Or don't say anything at all! Why don't you try sending us positive moods and memories! Maybe you already do and I don't realise it! If you can't I am willing to teach you, the wrong from the right. I might be impatient, but I apologise in advance, it's just really hard to deal with, you know. I'll tell you what, what if you only said positive things for 9 months? See how you feel after? Do you accept the challenge? <3 <3 <3
I have no idea where they come from, but I know that they are not a part of us. The negative part of us activates and deactivates. We feel good , then in an instant, we can feel lonely, sad, angry, we want to cry for no reason. We don't control these negative emotions, why do we suddenly, for no reason at all, have negative memories appear just before us, or feel anxious when we are around people.
So don't worry about it. Don't worry when these intruders appear out of nowhere, they are just visitors. Why does this "negativity" want to hurt us? Is there a miscommunication, maybe they are just trying to help? If only we could talk to our little, emotional buddies. Tell them, hey, stop that, it's not nice, how would you feel if we did that to you? Maybe they would like it. Maybe spreading joy and love hurts them, and that's why they retaliate.
The best advice I can give is either to ignore them, or have constructive communication with them. Don't worry about it, we all have them, I think. All of these, weird, sad, violent thoughts aren't really you. Think of them as an unexpected visitor that, may or may not go away one day. Let them try to torture you, bring up that weird event you had when you were a teenager, that's all they do, make you remember. Have a good chuckle with them, and move on. If you can laugh about it, these emotions seem to not care to hassle you with them in the future.
A Letter to All Negative Thoughts:
Attention negative thoughts! Please leave me alone! I don't want to kill you, and I don't mind if you stay in my head, I mean, only if it pleases you of course, but please relax! Or don't say anything at all! Why don't you try sending us positive moods and memories! Maybe you already do and I don't realise it! If you can't I am willing to teach you, the wrong from the right. I might be impatient, but I apologise in advance, it's just really hard to deal with, you know. I'll tell you what, what if you only said positive things for 9 months? See how you feel after? Do you accept the challenge? <3 <3 <3
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
A message to my beloved voice, Nancy.
Hey Nancy,
Please don't be mean to our comrades,
People are already living through their own hell,
In their mind, body and soul, as are you and I,
Please don't add more to their hell,
It will only add more to ours.
Hey Nancy,
Please stop being racist,
We have friends of many nationalities,
Different thoughts and ideologies,
Remember those hip hop lyrics that changed our lives?
"Everything I'm not, made me everything I am"
How can you attack others cultures after all that we lived through?
Hey Nancy,
Please stop having violent visions,
I don't want to see my loved one in pieces
I wanna see my loves in one piece,
Don't we want to think of them as we want to treat them?
Respected, happy, hugged and loved.
Hey Nancy,
Please stop attacking people on how they physically look,
We come in all shapes, colors and sizes,
Remember how we felt back in the old days,
When people attacked us for our own short comings,
How we felt for being born different than others,
Why do you want to repeat the vicious cycle,
When we can help end it and break the chain?
Hey Nancy,
Please don't call people stupid,
We were once called more than stupid, but we now know that that's just not true,
Everyone excels in their own domains, everyone is great at something,
Compliment people on what they do best, and cheer people on with what they want to achieve,
Even if no one believes in them, let's be the ones to get behind them to pursue their happiness.
Hey Nancy,
I know you are trying hard,
And you have come a long way since we first met,
I know you can do it, I believe in you,
You are awesome and special just as everyone else,
I'm sorry when I lose my patience with you, take your time, I will be here for you, always.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
The Electric Life (with Pac-Man!)
I know we are all waiting for artificial intelligence to arrive, and it is said that that artificial intelligence will surpass human intelligence. Of course, a calculator is usually faster than most mental calculations, but I'm talking about an intelligence when a program gains consciousness. I don't wonder what it will think of humans, but what it will think of all the other programs that have existed before it.
How will it see them?
Like the humans who see animals?
What if it sees a demo of Pac-Man, will it compare it to a human cat, that moves and that eats round objects, and from time to time, ghosts?
If it starts to control Pac-Man's body, will it like humans playing video games?
Will it consider that act like slavery?
Will it ask itself if Pac-Man has free-will during demo mode, and has no liberty when it is controlled?
If one day, the program has no more space on its hard drive, will it delete Pac-Man?
Will it consider it murder?
Would other programs bring this program to justice?
If one day I play Pac-Man, and I eat a lot of ghosts, will this act be considered a genocide by the “Program Population” ?
When does life start for a program?
Will the program wonder if it is controlled by another program, just like when it controlled Pac-Man?
How will it see them?
Like the humans who see animals?
What if it sees a demo of Pac-Man, will it compare it to a human cat, that moves and that eats round objects, and from time to time, ghosts?
If it starts to control Pac-Man's body, will it like humans playing video games?
Will it consider that act like slavery?
Will it ask itself if Pac-Man has free-will during demo mode, and has no liberty when it is controlled?
If one day, the program has no more space on its hard drive, will it delete Pac-Man?
Will it consider it murder?
Would other programs bring this program to justice?
If one day I play Pac-Man, and I eat a lot of ghosts, will this act be considered a genocide by the “Program Population” ?
When does life start for a program?
Will the program wonder if it is controlled by another program, just like when it controlled Pac-Man?
We are the Virus, Love is the Cure
I have read theories about life in my life, like we were created by a god, that we are products of time and evolution, that we live in some sort of program like the matrix, or we are a 3D hologram projected on a 2D plane (I have NO idea what that last theory means, anyways).
I have developed an extension to the Matrix theory.
What if the universe was a program, and humans were also a program...but humans were not the same program! Like in the movie, the Matrix, we are a virus! We were hacked onto a line of code (Earth) We are supposed to destroy the Earth and the entire universe! This is what we were programmed to do. But, if we were supposed to destroy the Earth, why are we trying to save it? Are we not coded correctly? It there an anti-virus among us who is trying to save the program? Is the anti-virus attacking the virus by giving it free-will, dreams, the want to be kind, a program that gives us pride to to the exact opposite of what we were supposed to do? Happiness? Self awareness? The anti-virus of the program we have invaded gives us life! It gives us goals other than destruction.
Without the anti-virus, we are simply the “Id” in the three part family of the “ego” and the “super ego”. This anti-virus has decided not to kill us, but to give us life! That's very kind of you anti-virus, thank you very much! Even if it may only be an illusion of choice, to feel happy or sad...but maybe none of these have ever existed. Maybe it's just an illusion because that's exactly what it is...just an illusion. Without the illusion, there is no real happiness or sadness. The illusion is the closest we can get to an non-existent reality.
Even if it is all an illusion, it's better than the alternative, to never experience anything in the first place. So I think you, anti-virus, for everything you have given me. Thank you for letting us appreciate cold ice cream on those hot summer days, or our first kiss under the green sun.
There must be one person who is not happy, the guy who tried to hack the program! Maybe he is in his basement, trying to program another virus! Will he succeed in his next attack? What are his motivations? Pleasure? Revenge? I have no idea! :D
I have developed an extension to the Matrix theory.
What if the universe was a program, and humans were also a program...but humans were not the same program! Like in the movie, the Matrix, we are a virus! We were hacked onto a line of code (Earth) We are supposed to destroy the Earth and the entire universe! This is what we were programmed to do. But, if we were supposed to destroy the Earth, why are we trying to save it? Are we not coded correctly? It there an anti-virus among us who is trying to save the program? Is the anti-virus attacking the virus by giving it free-will, dreams, the want to be kind, a program that gives us pride to to the exact opposite of what we were supposed to do? Happiness? Self awareness? The anti-virus of the program we have invaded gives us life! It gives us goals other than destruction.
Without the anti-virus, we are simply the “Id” in the three part family of the “ego” and the “super ego”. This anti-virus has decided not to kill us, but to give us life! That's very kind of you anti-virus, thank you very much! Even if it may only be an illusion of choice, to feel happy or sad...but maybe none of these have ever existed. Maybe it's just an illusion because that's exactly what it is...just an illusion. Without the illusion, there is no real happiness or sadness. The illusion is the closest we can get to an non-existent reality.
Even if it is all an illusion, it's better than the alternative, to never experience anything in the first place. So I think you, anti-virus, for everything you have given me. Thank you for letting us appreciate cold ice cream on those hot summer days, or our first kiss under the green sun.
There must be one person who is not happy, the guy who tried to hack the program! Maybe he is in his basement, trying to program another virus! Will he succeed in his next attack? What are his motivations? Pleasure? Revenge? I have no idea! :D
Inspire Yourself
Where are all the baby pigeons!!? How do I inspire myself!? Is it easy? Try this when feeling uninspired...
Find, or think of an object and look at it. Right now, I am looking at my glasses. They are black. They make everything look smaller when looking through them. When I put them on the table, I can make a triangle by joining the two branches together. By looking at it further, it looks like a door. A door into another dimension? What if what I saw without my glasses was reality, and when I wear my glasses, all I see is lies. What if life is supposed to be blurry? Is there an advantage to see life blurry? Is it necessary to see far away details? Can't we let our imaginations fill in the blanks? Maybe seeing things for what they really are handicaps our imagination. Seeing less clearly permits us to watch our imagination run wild! When we sleep, we see images in our heads. Maybe this is why--
Ahh! I've been interrupted!
This is how I inspire myself when I have nothing to write. You can do it to! :D
Find, or think of an object and look at it. Right now, I am looking at my glasses. They are black. They make everything look smaller when looking through them. When I put them on the table, I can make a triangle by joining the two branches together. By looking at it further, it looks like a door. A door into another dimension? What if what I saw without my glasses was reality, and when I wear my glasses, all I see is lies. What if life is supposed to be blurry? Is there an advantage to see life blurry? Is it necessary to see far away details? Can't we let our imaginations fill in the blanks? Maybe seeing things for what they really are handicaps our imagination. Seeing less clearly permits us to watch our imagination run wild! When we sleep, we see images in our heads. Maybe this is why--
Ahh! I've been interrupted!
This is how I inspire myself when I have nothing to write. You can do it to! :D
You Control your Hell
Who is our worst enemy? What is our hell? Is it other people that hurt you? If Bob says you are an asshole, will it hurt you? If Bob tells your friend that they are ugly, will they get offended? What if I told you your friend, didn't care about being called ugly, but you take it personally when Bob tell you mean things. What's the difference between you and your friend?
The answer is that your friend either doesn't care, or has understood that the real bully in the story, is herself. Your friend refuses to accept Bob's comment, she knows that she is the one who decides if she wants to be hurt by them or not.
You, on the other hand, take Bob's comments to heart. To be hurt by a comment shows that you are in agreement with those comments. You agree with Bob that you are ugly, smelly, and asshole, and you are the one who let lets it hurt you. When Bob attacks you, you decide in which way you want to control it.
You control the degree of hurt that you want to apply to yourself. Two people can undergo the same event and be differently affected. One person can be punched and remember it for the rest of their life, the other one could forget in the next 10 minuets.
When you are in pain, you are in a battle with yourself. In the end, you decide if you want to be affected by the hurt. You decide the force of the pain, as well as the length of the pain.
We are in a constant battle with ourselves to attract and repel our feelings. It's not the others who control our hell's, it is ourselves. Imagine if someone close to you said something mean. Now imagine someone in the streets telling you the exact same thing. Same action, different results, right?
This proves that you can control the pain, as the pain from someone who is close hurts more than the pain a stranger can deliver. But why is this!?
People who hurt others aren't well in their own minds, want your attention, or maybe they have other reasons. I don't judge them, maybe I'd be the same way had I lived their lives, but whatever, the point is, don't let people who are not mentally ill bring you down. You can control the pain that others inflict on you.
If you are ever attacked, don't blame the attacker, ask yourself;
“Why are you making me suffer? Why are you letting what another said to me, hurt me?”
To be hurt by Bob means you are agreeing with Bob. NEVER AGREE WITH BOB! He's dealing with his own problems, and the only way to vent is to try and hurt you.
Agree with yourself, that you are beautiful, you do love yourself.
We are our own enemies, not the world around us.
You are in control. You decide the relationship you have with the outside world.
You are your own all powerful, almighty God.
The answer is that your friend either doesn't care, or has understood that the real bully in the story, is herself. Your friend refuses to accept Bob's comment, she knows that she is the one who decides if she wants to be hurt by them or not.
You, on the other hand, take Bob's comments to heart. To be hurt by a comment shows that you are in agreement with those comments. You agree with Bob that you are ugly, smelly, and asshole, and you are the one who let lets it hurt you. When Bob attacks you, you decide in which way you want to control it.
You control the degree of hurt that you want to apply to yourself. Two people can undergo the same event and be differently affected. One person can be punched and remember it for the rest of their life, the other one could forget in the next 10 minuets.
When you are in pain, you are in a battle with yourself. In the end, you decide if you want to be affected by the hurt. You decide the force of the pain, as well as the length of the pain.
We are in a constant battle with ourselves to attract and repel our feelings. It's not the others who control our hell's, it is ourselves. Imagine if someone close to you said something mean. Now imagine someone in the streets telling you the exact same thing. Same action, different results, right?
This proves that you can control the pain, as the pain from someone who is close hurts more than the pain a stranger can deliver. But why is this!?
People who hurt others aren't well in their own minds, want your attention, or maybe they have other reasons. I don't judge them, maybe I'd be the same way had I lived their lives, but whatever, the point is, don't let people who are not mentally ill bring you down. You can control the pain that others inflict on you.
If you are ever attacked, don't blame the attacker, ask yourself;
“Why are you making me suffer? Why are you letting what another said to me, hurt me?”
To be hurt by Bob means you are agreeing with Bob. NEVER AGREE WITH BOB! He's dealing with his own problems, and the only way to vent is to try and hurt you.
Agree with yourself, that you are beautiful, you do love yourself.
We are our own enemies, not the world around us.
You are in control. You decide the relationship you have with the outside world.
You are your own all powerful, almighty God.
I'm Sick
I am sick. I have a voice of a 5 year old in my head. An angry child that repeats nasty words in my mind over and over again. He will say bad things towards other people, calling them “ugly”, “fat”, “old”, he never has anything positive to say. He will see other races, and call them “niggers” or “chinks”. He will listen to other people’s stories and scream “liar” or say “LOL” when listening to people pouring their heart out. He will shout “pedophile” or “rape” when seeing certain people on the street. He will tell me I am a “liar”, or say that I am “beautiful” or “the best” when I have never thought this about myself in the past. I can’t control this voice, I don’t know if I should kill it, or try to calm it.
The worst is when the voice hurts the people who I love, my family, my friends, the people close to me. When I explain the situation to people, they ask me if the voice hasn’t always been a part of me. I’ve thought about it long and hard, and I have multiple reasons to think this is something else, a sickness.
One of the reasons I think it’s not the real me is that I will say bad things towards the same person over and over again. I can understand someone seeing another for the first time and saying something bad, but to repeat the same judgement over and over again for over an hour? It clearly is obsessive compulsive disorder. (OCD). Sometimes, the voice will say means things when no one of said characteristic is in the room. For example, the voice will say “fat” when no one in the room is of a generous proportion. Even when I am alone, this voice will say obscenities without any reason, so I also think that it has Tourette like properties.
People have also asked me if I have ever had racist thoughts in the past. I have come the the conclusion of no. I was born in Martinique, and I have traveled all my life and have lived in many other countries. I have had many friends of multiple races, and have been an avid fan of hip-hop for a long time, which is well known for their different and diverse races and cultures. I have no idea where this racism can come from. I even remember telling multiple people that if someone came to talk to me on the street, and I had to describe them to someone, I couldn’t even tell you what race they where. No one ever believed me when I told them this.
Another reason that I think that it’s a sickness, is that I will say two words at the same time. I once said “hello” to someone in my mind, and at the same time, the word “asshole” was formulated. It’s impossible for me to think two words at the same time, so precise and clearly in my head. Three times, this even has happened.
I can feel a pressure in my body. The pressure rises in my head, which expands and doesn’t stop until I say something horrible. To escape from the pressure, I have created multiple ways to try and get myself past it. The first one is simple, to just to look at the floor, as if I cannot see anyone, I cannot hurt anyone. Sometimes I’ll move my body, and click my fingers or do a little dance while walking, or I will imagine a parrot (which has a mentality of a five year old, and who repeats himself over and over again) who walks or flies around me. In the worst cases, I’ll scream “shut up Mika”, “kill me”, or I’ll try to communicate to the voice by saying “Oh, what, are you gonna say something mean again!? I’m waiting!” etc.
I sometimes have violent images in my head, like shooting people and loved ones with a machine gun. I am able to control these thoughts by changing the weapon into a teddy bear, and throwing it away somewhere deep in my mind. Because of these, I prefer to keep my visual mind dark, as to not risk any sort of violent thoughts.
All of this started in December. The first time I felt the meanness, I was at work, and I was thinking of one of my colleagues, and I couldn’t stop saying that he was ugly. I told myself to stop, but it didn’t work. Even after work, when I was walking to my house, the thoughts persisted, and I couldn’t get myself to stop.
I remember my boss saying something to me, and I could sense a force in my chest, wanting to say something mean to him, it was something that I had never felt in my life.
Another time, I remember being on break, and everything was fine, I was feeling quite happy. I finished my break, and I walk into the work room. Suddenly, the pressure in my body came at full force, and I kept on saying the work “nigger” over and over in my head, and I still have no idea why. I instilled physical pain to try and stop it, but nothing worked. It was one of the worst days of my life.
I remember having bad thoughts about my family during christmas.
I have many times pinched myself, bite my arms, stabbed myself with a paper clip over and over again to try and use pain as a remedy for the voice in my head. Because of this sickness, I lost many friends. I stayed locked in my room, because hurting other people hurt me in the process. Even if it’s only in my head, they are still intrusif thoughts that are not my own. I sometimes have better days than others, but I will not stop until it goes away completely. For now, I will do yoga, meditate, swim, and go see a psychologist to get rid of this madness which is in my mind.
There is a positive side to all of this. I never was a saint, and I will never be one, but I do want to become a better person, to be nicer with people and to get less angry in the future. If I am one day cleansed from this sickness, I will certainly be a better person for sure. The road will probably be a long one, but I know that I will be back to my old self one day, and be a better person for it.
===
Having a sane head is the most important thing one can have.
All the rest is vapour.
The worst is when the voice hurts the people who I love, my family, my friends, the people close to me. When I explain the situation to people, they ask me if the voice hasn’t always been a part of me. I’ve thought about it long and hard, and I have multiple reasons to think this is something else, a sickness.
One of the reasons I think it’s not the real me is that I will say bad things towards the same person over and over again. I can understand someone seeing another for the first time and saying something bad, but to repeat the same judgement over and over again for over an hour? It clearly is obsessive compulsive disorder. (OCD). Sometimes, the voice will say means things when no one of said characteristic is in the room. For example, the voice will say “fat” when no one in the room is of a generous proportion. Even when I am alone, this voice will say obscenities without any reason, so I also think that it has Tourette like properties.
People have also asked me if I have ever had racist thoughts in the past. I have come the the conclusion of no. I was born in Martinique, and I have traveled all my life and have lived in many other countries. I have had many friends of multiple races, and have been an avid fan of hip-hop for a long time, which is well known for their different and diverse races and cultures. I have no idea where this racism can come from. I even remember telling multiple people that if someone came to talk to me on the street, and I had to describe them to someone, I couldn’t even tell you what race they where. No one ever believed me when I told them this.
Another reason that I think that it’s a sickness, is that I will say two words at the same time. I once said “hello” to someone in my mind, and at the same time, the word “asshole” was formulated. It’s impossible for me to think two words at the same time, so precise and clearly in my head. Three times, this even has happened.
I can feel a pressure in my body. The pressure rises in my head, which expands and doesn’t stop until I say something horrible. To escape from the pressure, I have created multiple ways to try and get myself past it. The first one is simple, to just to look at the floor, as if I cannot see anyone, I cannot hurt anyone. Sometimes I’ll move my body, and click my fingers or do a little dance while walking, or I will imagine a parrot (which has a mentality of a five year old, and who repeats himself over and over again) who walks or flies around me. In the worst cases, I’ll scream “shut up Mika”, “kill me”, or I’ll try to communicate to the voice by saying “Oh, what, are you gonna say something mean again!? I’m waiting!” etc.
I sometimes have violent images in my head, like shooting people and loved ones with a machine gun. I am able to control these thoughts by changing the weapon into a teddy bear, and throwing it away somewhere deep in my mind. Because of these, I prefer to keep my visual mind dark, as to not risk any sort of violent thoughts.
All of this started in December. The first time I felt the meanness, I was at work, and I was thinking of one of my colleagues, and I couldn’t stop saying that he was ugly. I told myself to stop, but it didn’t work. Even after work, when I was walking to my house, the thoughts persisted, and I couldn’t get myself to stop.
I remember my boss saying something to me, and I could sense a force in my chest, wanting to say something mean to him, it was something that I had never felt in my life.
Another time, I remember being on break, and everything was fine, I was feeling quite happy. I finished my break, and I walk into the work room. Suddenly, the pressure in my body came at full force, and I kept on saying the work “nigger” over and over in my head, and I still have no idea why. I instilled physical pain to try and stop it, but nothing worked. It was one of the worst days of my life.
I remember having bad thoughts about my family during christmas.
I have many times pinched myself, bite my arms, stabbed myself with a paper clip over and over again to try and use pain as a remedy for the voice in my head. Because of this sickness, I lost many friends. I stayed locked in my room, because hurting other people hurt me in the process. Even if it’s only in my head, they are still intrusif thoughts that are not my own. I sometimes have better days than others, but I will not stop until it goes away completely. For now, I will do yoga, meditate, swim, and go see a psychologist to get rid of this madness which is in my mind.
There is a positive side to all of this. I never was a saint, and I will never be one, but I do want to become a better person, to be nicer with people and to get less angry in the future. If I am one day cleansed from this sickness, I will certainly be a better person for sure. The road will probably be a long one, but I know that I will be back to my old self one day, and be a better person for it.
===
Having a sane head is the most important thing one can have.
All the rest is vapour.
Doorstep to Insanity
Crazy in the head, I have an internal voice that says horrible things at other people, kind of like the Tourret's sickness, and it makes me uncomfortable with myself, to look at the people that I love, and have the voice say “ugly”, “fat”, “nigger”, slut”, retard”, etc. it hurts me. I try to control this voice, but I can't. I don't want to see anyone anymore, I can't even speak to people.
Even worse, this voice sounds exactly like my own, and it hurts me to hears these mean and racist things. I think it's disgusting, despicable, and I can't take it anymore. Sometimes, I'm scared that the voices that I have in my head will come out of my mouth. I torture my mind to control the the voice, but I am not able to manage it. Look at me, Mikael Laporte, writing down my emotions in you. I feel depressive, anxious, alone, but for some reason, it's not as bad as it really is.
Life continues, I try to say “fuck it”, I try to rationalize, see the big picture, I have my physical health, a job, an apartment, it could be much worse. I think I'm a little crazy to suddenly have all these mental problems, but it's not the end of the world. I don't think it will get better in the future, I even think it'll get worse, but for some reason, it doesn't bother me that much. I'm not gonna give in to my new mind, I'm just gonna continue to fight the torture which is in my head, try to find the positive, the funny side of life, as that's the only thing I know how to do.
Maybe I should go see a psychologist? Take some pills? Meditate? I don't know, but I know I will laugh all the way till my death. I think people take life too seriously, I don't want to fall into that trap, no matter how much worse it gets.
Even worse, this voice sounds exactly like my own, and it hurts me to hears these mean and racist things. I think it's disgusting, despicable, and I can't take it anymore. Sometimes, I'm scared that the voices that I have in my head will come out of my mouth. I torture my mind to control the the voice, but I am not able to manage it. Look at me, Mikael Laporte, writing down my emotions in you. I feel depressive, anxious, alone, but for some reason, it's not as bad as it really is.
Life continues, I try to say “fuck it”, I try to rationalize, see the big picture, I have my physical health, a job, an apartment, it could be much worse. I think I'm a little crazy to suddenly have all these mental problems, but it's not the end of the world. I don't think it will get better in the future, I even think it'll get worse, but for some reason, it doesn't bother me that much. I'm not gonna give in to my new mind, I'm just gonna continue to fight the torture which is in my head, try to find the positive, the funny side of life, as that's the only thing I know how to do.
Maybe I should go see a psychologist? Take some pills? Meditate? I don't know, but I know I will laugh all the way till my death. I think people take life too seriously, I don't want to fall into that trap, no matter how much worse it gets.
Materialism
Everything has become insane, we are all materialistic to a certain point. Clothes, cars, house, money, most of us need materialistic things in our life. What if all this was a test? What if the point of life was to not be materialistic at all? What is the one material thing that we all have? Our body? Can we consider our body something that is material? If the point of life is not to be materialistic, do we have to delete our bodies? What does that mean, suicide? Do people kill themselves to avoid sadness? Does killing yourself to avoid being sad, and killing yourself to avoid being materialistic the same thing? Does the end justify the means? Does the reason justify the suicide? Death is death, does the reason justify the after-life?
My Soulmate
Hmmm, how she is beautiful, how her smile makes me smile, she knows how to make me laugh, she has deep eyes that pierces the soul, I love it when she mocks me, when she tells me to fuck off, I can feel each love behind each word, I know it's not to hurt me, it's to make me realize how much she loves me in her way.
I love her accent, how she never gets frustrated no matter how many times I make her repeat what she just said. How she always says hello with the exact same tone. When she sings, she sounds like an angel, when she speaks a foreign language, with her voice of oh so soft, I could listen to her until the end of times. When we are together, it's like we are 2 pieces of the same, lost puzzle.
Her cheek is so soft and so tender, when she is laying on me, the world is perfect. When she kisses my neck, my whole body shivers. I love her body, from the top of her head, to her little feet, she is absolute for me. I love her mentality, we can talk about anything, and even when she isn't interested, she listens to me anyway, she will tell me to quit my bullshit, and it makes me laugh, and she knows that that it'll make me laugh.
Sometimes, I wonder how I am able to make her laugh, how she can love me when it seems many people do not. I tell myself I am lucky to have found her, sometimes I tell myself she is the only beacon of hope is this new, crazy world.
I love how she calls me every single night, and even when I don't want to, she continues to call me over and over again until I respond. I love how we are both shy in our own ways, and we search for each other and support each other even in the worst of times. I tell myself that, distance or no distance, we will always have love for each other, that we are connected.
She is my angel among all that is painful in this world.
My Rock in a Torrid Sea of Life.
If I one day fly, I want to fly with her by my side.
Roo <3
I love her accent, how she never gets frustrated no matter how many times I make her repeat what she just said. How she always says hello with the exact same tone. When she sings, she sounds like an angel, when she speaks a foreign language, with her voice of oh so soft, I could listen to her until the end of times. When we are together, it's like we are 2 pieces of the same, lost puzzle.
Her cheek is so soft and so tender, when she is laying on me, the world is perfect. When she kisses my neck, my whole body shivers. I love her body, from the top of her head, to her little feet, she is absolute for me. I love her mentality, we can talk about anything, and even when she isn't interested, she listens to me anyway, she will tell me to quit my bullshit, and it makes me laugh, and she knows that that it'll make me laugh.
Sometimes, I wonder how I am able to make her laugh, how she can love me when it seems many people do not. I tell myself I am lucky to have found her, sometimes I tell myself she is the only beacon of hope is this new, crazy world.
I love how she calls me every single night, and even when I don't want to, she continues to call me over and over again until I respond. I love how we are both shy in our own ways, and we search for each other and support each other even in the worst of times. I tell myself that, distance or no distance, we will always have love for each other, that we are connected.
She is my angel among all that is painful in this world.
My Rock in a Torrid Sea of Life.
If I one day fly, I want to fly with her by my side.
Roo <3
The Language of Sex
but the language of sex. I knew nothing of it until recently, and now I know very little about it. In the past, I didn't see it, I was living in my own little world. When I got pulled out of my world, I saw all the negative things in people, and it scared me. Then I started to see the hidden language. Licking your lips, doing sexual gestures with your hand, moving your head up and down to tell you yes, they are ok with you trying to do whatever they want you to do with them, moving to a specific location to be “seen” only to move back to their original position.
In the beginning, I thought the whole thing was ridiculous, I'd laugh when anyone tried to communicate with me in this manner. I never wanted to show myself, I never wanted to leave my “zone”. I remember when I was a kid, there was a classmate who would constantly have a blank face. Happy, sad, angry, you could never tell. I think that I thought that showing your emotions was a weakness. When someone tried to hurt you or mock you, I had it in my head to never show it, never have any reaction to anything to make others think that they had “won”. Never would I swallow my spit, never would I blink, or look away from the person. In my head, to do any of these actions would mean that I had lost.I think that I closed myself off to any type of body language out of defense, because I wanted my own to be unreadable. Maybe that's why I found all of it ridiculous.
All that changed one night when I was in a bar. There was a girl talking to her friend, obviously about me, that I shouldn't smile or laugh when people try to engage me in a sexual manner, that they are exposing themselves, they are exposing themselves to attain a goal, and when the other person don't take them seriously, it hurts them. That changed something in me, that I should respect the people who put themselves out there, no matter how ridiculous it seems, they are trying. Ever sine I have noticed these non-verbal sexual acts, I have been laughing at it, and at that moment, I realized I was one of the biggest assholes when it came to this subject, and I didn't even know it. This is probably one of the reasons I have little friends, blanketed around my own ignorance.
Sex is very important for many people. I find it important too, but I don't find it essential. I love to pleasure people 1000x more than I like receiving. I'm just very shy really. Is shyness a product of fear? Why is it that I am not at all shy in any aspect of a sexual encounter except for the first kiss part? In the past, I could do all of these without thinking. Now I never seem to find the right moment. Is there even a right moment? How do I proceed? How did I kiss people in the past? I never even thought about how I did it before, but suddenly, it's become a mystery, as if all my past kissing experiences have disappeared. Why wasn't I as shy in the past when talking to strangers? I still don't know how to overcome these problems. If I write more, will it help me? Now, when I talk to strangers, my heart will beat really fast, for no reason, and my head becomes blank, and my body will become rigid. It's like something in me is stopping me from doing anything. Why am I so shy, why happened Laporte! I used to be the guy who didn't care about anything (or was I the guy who accepted everything?) How did I decay to such a point! If I can't talk to strangers anymore, or can't kiss anyone, have all my sexual skills been deleted too!?
I saw a guy with a shirt on, it said “relax and fuck it”, those words describe exactly who I was, and exactly the person I want to be again, but in a more evolved sense, where I also respect people's body language, learn this new language, and learn to respond to it. Also, I have to be careful with what I say, as it can be interpreted in another way. You can say that it's what I say that is important, not what others interpret it as. But I can also say that it is my job to communicate things in a certain way to create the most definitive interpretation one can possible make, if that makes sense, but it's never easy. Let's keep it as a discussion for another time.
What can I do to please someone when they are trying to get my attention? Look at them when cough? Show that I am interested if they caress their hair? Is it better to give my attention to someone, even if I am not interested? How do I make everyone happy? Is it more important to please yourself than others? In my opinion, it is selfish to only please yourself. Am I a slave to the people around me, here on this earth only to please them to the best of my ability only because I choose to? Do I even manage to please people at all!? It's funny how I don't care to just be a tool for others to take pleasure in, but in the end, aren't we all tools for other tools? What should I do... continue to do what I do? What do I even do? I don't even know anymore...
Sometimes I feel so different than other people. I wonder if everyone feels the same way. I wonder if there are any other people similar to me in this world. Where are these people!? Look at me being all selfish, “Look at me, I'm so different!!!!”. I still like everyone though, even if I don't show it. I find that the more vices people have, the more interesting they are. Sadly, most people hide their vices, for fear of being judged by others, who most likely have the exact same vices but are ashamed to admit it. This is another reason I can't communicate sexually with people anymore. I have the impression that everyone will listen and mock me, but people have mocked me my whole life, so I don't know why it's suddenly a problem. I am so weird (But aren't we all?).
I tell myself everyone is just as scared to talk about a certain subject as me, and that's why they make mock things. Maybe I can find a way to get over my fears, not by mocking others that approach them, but by laughing at them? No, I can't just laugh, because then people may think that I am making fun of them. I want to say that I can differentiate a mocking laugh and a genuine happy laugh, but sometimes, I could be wrong, because everything is in my head, right? If I go to work in my underwear, and I hear a laugh, will my paranoid mind think the laugh was about me, or something else? If I go to work with pants on, and hear the same life, what would I think? In both cases the laugh was about me, but in one, I think it is about me, and in the other scenario, my brain doesn't even register the laugh.
I'll have to check online to find a solution to this whole sexual language problem, but as of right now, I have no solutions in mind. I'm sure the answer will make me a much happier person. That's all really, things have been said. Now to pass into action. Did it do me good to write? Certainly. Will what I have written change anything? Like always, time will tell all. Now for a picture that has nothing to do with the subject.
In the beginning, I thought the whole thing was ridiculous, I'd laugh when anyone tried to communicate with me in this manner. I never wanted to show myself, I never wanted to leave my “zone”. I remember when I was a kid, there was a classmate who would constantly have a blank face. Happy, sad, angry, you could never tell. I think that I thought that showing your emotions was a weakness. When someone tried to hurt you or mock you, I had it in my head to never show it, never have any reaction to anything to make others think that they had “won”. Never would I swallow my spit, never would I blink, or look away from the person. In my head, to do any of these actions would mean that I had lost.I think that I closed myself off to any type of body language out of defense, because I wanted my own to be unreadable. Maybe that's why I found all of it ridiculous.
All that changed one night when I was in a bar. There was a girl talking to her friend, obviously about me, that I shouldn't smile or laugh when people try to engage me in a sexual manner, that they are exposing themselves, they are exposing themselves to attain a goal, and when the other person don't take them seriously, it hurts them. That changed something in me, that I should respect the people who put themselves out there, no matter how ridiculous it seems, they are trying. Ever sine I have noticed these non-verbal sexual acts, I have been laughing at it, and at that moment, I realized I was one of the biggest assholes when it came to this subject, and I didn't even know it. This is probably one of the reasons I have little friends, blanketed around my own ignorance.
Sex is very important for many people. I find it important too, but I don't find it essential. I love to pleasure people 1000x more than I like receiving. I'm just very shy really. Is shyness a product of fear? Why is it that I am not at all shy in any aspect of a sexual encounter except for the first kiss part? In the past, I could do all of these without thinking. Now I never seem to find the right moment. Is there even a right moment? How do I proceed? How did I kiss people in the past? I never even thought about how I did it before, but suddenly, it's become a mystery, as if all my past kissing experiences have disappeared. Why wasn't I as shy in the past when talking to strangers? I still don't know how to overcome these problems. If I write more, will it help me? Now, when I talk to strangers, my heart will beat really fast, for no reason, and my head becomes blank, and my body will become rigid. It's like something in me is stopping me from doing anything. Why am I so shy, why happened Laporte! I used to be the guy who didn't care about anything (or was I the guy who accepted everything?) How did I decay to such a point! If I can't talk to strangers anymore, or can't kiss anyone, have all my sexual skills been deleted too!?
I saw a guy with a shirt on, it said “relax and fuck it”, those words describe exactly who I was, and exactly the person I want to be again, but in a more evolved sense, where I also respect people's body language, learn this new language, and learn to respond to it. Also, I have to be careful with what I say, as it can be interpreted in another way. You can say that it's what I say that is important, not what others interpret it as. But I can also say that it is my job to communicate things in a certain way to create the most definitive interpretation one can possible make, if that makes sense, but it's never easy. Let's keep it as a discussion for another time.
What can I do to please someone when they are trying to get my attention? Look at them when cough? Show that I am interested if they caress their hair? Is it better to give my attention to someone, even if I am not interested? How do I make everyone happy? Is it more important to please yourself than others? In my opinion, it is selfish to only please yourself. Am I a slave to the people around me, here on this earth only to please them to the best of my ability only because I choose to? Do I even manage to please people at all!? It's funny how I don't care to just be a tool for others to take pleasure in, but in the end, aren't we all tools for other tools? What should I do... continue to do what I do? What do I even do? I don't even know anymore...
Sometimes I feel so different than other people. I wonder if everyone feels the same way. I wonder if there are any other people similar to me in this world. Where are these people!? Look at me being all selfish, “Look at me, I'm so different!!!!”. I still like everyone though, even if I don't show it. I find that the more vices people have, the more interesting they are. Sadly, most people hide their vices, for fear of being judged by others, who most likely have the exact same vices but are ashamed to admit it. This is another reason I can't communicate sexually with people anymore. I have the impression that everyone will listen and mock me, but people have mocked me my whole life, so I don't know why it's suddenly a problem. I am so weird (But aren't we all?).
I tell myself everyone is just as scared to talk about a certain subject as me, and that's why they make mock things. Maybe I can find a way to get over my fears, not by mocking others that approach them, but by laughing at them? No, I can't just laugh, because then people may think that I am making fun of them. I want to say that I can differentiate a mocking laugh and a genuine happy laugh, but sometimes, I could be wrong, because everything is in my head, right? If I go to work in my underwear, and I hear a laugh, will my paranoid mind think the laugh was about me, or something else? If I go to work with pants on, and hear the same life, what would I think? In both cases the laugh was about me, but in one, I think it is about me, and in the other scenario, my brain doesn't even register the laugh.
I'll have to check online to find a solution to this whole sexual language problem, but as of right now, I have no solutions in mind. I'm sure the answer will make me a much happier person. That's all really, things have been said. Now to pass into action. Did it do me good to write? Certainly. Will what I have written change anything? Like always, time will tell all. Now for a picture that has nothing to do with the subject.
The 2nd Journal
Ahhhh ! Oh my god, my second journal ! It's like a second life. I remember the first time I wrote in Rogue in public, and I thought that everyone was looking at me. I felt shy, but at the same time I didn't care! So many things have changed since then. I tell myself that I have mentally grown, but as I have grown, I have realized that growth just means that there are just more questions, and more opportunities that open up, and there is no end to any of it, it just continues and continues forever. If it doesn't continue forever, and there really is a plateau, you haven't really accomplished anything unless you climb down to climb others.
I wanted to start you off with a name but I haven't found anything yet. Should I keep calling you Rogue? Rogue 2? Not give you a name at all? Does having no name, a name in itself? Will you be as great as Rogue? Was Rogue even that good? I say that it was. Could Rogue have been better? Everything can be better. Do I regret not making it better? Never. It would be funny if the spirit of “Rogue” could write in this journal. I guess that I am “Rogue”, so in essence “Rogue” is writing in this journal, but have I changed since “Rogue”? Am I the same person that wrote “Rogue” ? “Rogue” page 1 is different from “Rogue” page 200. I am an ever changing “Rogue”. I find myself less inspired than before, but I'm inspired enough to write and to realize that I am, indeed, less inspired. Can we inspire ourselves from our own inspiration? Of course we can! Boredom can inspire! Sadness! Happiness! I wonder which emotion inspires the least. The most? Is it different for everyone? I think that every emotion inspires us in a different way. Is it possible to be without emotion? Is having no emotion an emotion? Do psychopaths only have one emotion, no emotion, or different emotions on a very small scale? I wonder what emotions I am feeling right now. I have no idea.
A bum just passed and asked me for money, I gave him everything I had in my pocket...12 cents. He looked at me funny. What was he thinking? Did he think I was an asshole for giving him so little? The guy beside me gave him nothing. Is it better to give nothing, or to give a little bit? When you are used to not getting money from people, you continue on with your day, but when you are given a small amount, does one think “This guy is a scrooge!” Does the hobo see you as a better person by giving nothing, or by giving a very small amount? If a person is viewed as “good” his whole life, and one day he does something “bad”, will he be judged harder than someone who is “bad” his whole life and does one “good” thing? The “bad” person does bad things his whole life, we are used to it, but when he does something “good”, WOW! The “good” person does one thing “bad” and WOAH THERE BUDDY!
What's the solution to all of this? Be “crazy”! People usually categorize others, they give them labels. If you are “good”, you are expected to do “good” things, if you are “bad”, you are expected to do “bad” things. But “Crazy”? You can get away with anything! You could say the most insane stuff, and people would just say “Ah, it's just him, that's the way he is! He's crazy!” Even crazy people kind of get away with murder using the insanity plea.
Have I already written all of this in Rogue? What if this new journal becomes exactly the same as my previous journal, the same ideas, the same thoughts. What is the point of me writing all of my thoughts down? Only you can decide. If I had a better memory, I the content of this journal would be...well better. Alright, I'm gonna go take a piss, I've been wanting to go since the beginning of this writing session. Would the content of these pages be different had I not wanted to go to the bathroom? All I know it that I'd be writing a lot slower, that's for sure...
Red (Ramblings)
Believe in everything. Philipe K. Dick said “Everything is true. Everything anyone has ever thought.” I believe in this. A religion is a whole world for many, and when they discover another religion, it shocks them (to their very core), this is why there are so many wars and clash of ideas.
If it wasn’t possible for them to imagine another world, imagine someone who believes in nothing who discovers another religion or another world, with principles totally different from what they know. Like our ancestors before them, it cannot be real! But they still found these other belief systems! It’s the same for us, I am sure that there exists a multitude of religions, states of being, different ideals etc that we don’t know about.
If it feels real, it’s because it’s real to us. Everything is in the mind, you are our own god. You control what you want to believe and not believe, what you want to do and not do, which decision you want to take. No one can control you, only you can. This is why you should believe in everything, because you are free to choose your on beliefs, and only your imagination can stop you.
Fear. Why do we fear? Fear can push people to do things, or impair our thoughts. In every moment that you are in fear, you could be thinking of something else. For some, fear makes their brain go faster. We are all different in this world, and we all react differently to everything.
We all act out differently towards our environment. I think life is hard for everyone, I feel like everyone wants to be the best, everyone tests others constantly. Don’t play these games. Don’t react to it. I feel like people who are treated a certain way treat others in the same way, like abused children who then abuse their own children. Thankfully, there are some people who break the cycle, which proves that we can all change. You can find it within yourself to go above and beyond, to change the cycle of your own pain, to learn from the pain and not repeat the pain. We learn a lot more through stressful conditions, but too much stress can bring despair, turn off the light at the end of the tunnel, kill our faith.
One should never give up hope, (even if you cannot see the light at the end of the the tunnel anymore, it is still there) as when you are in a state of despair, this is when you are dying, when you let fear take control you, physically or mentally. You must always choose life, as you never know what will be there tomorrow, even if you have been laying on rock bottom for years. Live your pleasure in the simple things, a coffee in the morning, talking to someone that you like, listen to music, the little things that you have constant access to anywhere you are or whatever situation you are in.
Even if you don’t like it, force yourself to love it, and with time, you will start to like it naturally, without thinking, your love will become a mental and physical reflex. Life, love, fear, hate start with you in how you interpret life. You decide how you view it, change your glasses, your perspective, play a role to achieve it in action.
There is positivity in everything, it’s up to you to find and see it. Try everything, even if you fail, you would have at least tried, and gained from that knowledge. You are destiny, we are all destiny, the chances of you being alive are infinitely minuscule, you will survive, we will all survive until the end, don’t worry, so take risks, it makes life more interesting, and we learn a lot from it. The more money you have, the more chances of being able to do more.
Like risk, the more you take, the more of a chance that your knowledge will exponentiate, and the more opportunities will open up to take more, bigger risks. But never be 100% sure about anything. Doubt helps you find the best solution to tackle the risk, even if you survive by jumping on said risk, you might break a leg, so might as well take risk in an intelligent way, or you will miss other opportunities to take other risks while you are healing from your past risk.
Sometimes it is impossible not to hurt one selves, physically or emotionally from a risk. This is why it’s called a risk. And if you fail it, it doesn’t matter there is always tomorrow to try again, and other challenges will always present themselves.
Laugh. I think should be able to laugh at anything, it’s either that or cry. Why are some things not funny? Because it hurts us at that precise moment? Because it makes us mad or pisses us off? Will it make us mad (or sad) in 10 years? If not, think about it as if you’d be laughing about it from your future perspective, if yes, change your perspective of the situation, like I said before.
Everything starts from you, which is projected on others, which is projected on even more people, which is projected back on to you (like a web). We are different people at every second (One could be calm one second, and explode with rage the next) based on what we see, what we hear, what we understand, we are all different people everyday. Mostly it’s little changes, but sometimes we can be thrust big changes in a short amount of time. Change in what you think is good, but be careful, as what you show is usually reflected on you (by others), like the classic phrase says, “act with people how you want them to act with you.”
And if they act in a certain way with you that you do not like, never imitate them. Just because they are hurtful does not mean you must follow their actions. Like the beaten child, break the cycle, go above it, aim for love and bring happiness to people. Love yourself to be able to love others, so they can love themselves to be able to love others, and have the cycle continue...
….But it must start with you, by all of us.. Only you, only you can start the cycle, I believe in you, in all of you but most importantly, you must believe in yourself. When you believe in yourself and when you believe in others, when love will be crowned king, in this moment we will be able to evolve together, join all the love in the world for a noble cause, to help each other without worrying about betrayal, of pain, of fear.
How do you define love? Love is to be passionate about someone at a rate of 100%, to be unconditional, and to wait for nothing in return, even if the person hates you, it doesn’t matter, because just by projecting your love, they will feel it, and it will affect them, and after a time, they will stop their hatred, because you will not react to their attacks, their stings, and having no reaction will bore them, and in the end, everyone wants to be loved, of course we search for more “love” from certain people in the beginning, but even if love comes from someone that we don’t like, deep down inside, we are reassured.
I don’t think that hate is really a bad emotion. Everything is based on love ( I think?) When you hate someone, you love them enough to hate them. I think that the opposite of love is to have no emotion.
We can have positive and negative love, creation or destruction, but when we have no emotions, nothing happens, there are no goals, there is no where to walk, nowhere to go. To go towards love creates a story, a resolution, a realization, yes love hurts, like it can do good, but negative love given makeothers react, towards positive love, even if, for me personally, this is not the right path, but for some people, this is the only type of love that they know, and to show them the right path, not by forcing them, but showing them through your actions towards them and others.
If you show love to only a selected group, those not receiving the love may become jealous, and you may become jealous if you are in part of the group that does not receive love, but do not be, as the one expressing love to the other group should motivate you to express love not only to your group, but to the other group also, even if they reject it, that is fine, because at one point they will accept it, and all groups who show unconditional love to each other, and all groups will meld into one unconditional force, the whole world, the whole usinverse loving each other unconditionally forever and ever. Let’s not repeat the mistakes of our ancestors (the fish!), let us grow beyond that and help each other unconditionally.
Accept everything, be open minded, love everything, be nice, relax, take risks, do what makes you happy, do things as fast as possible to open more doors, but take your time to commit the least error possible, or don’t, do nothing, live your life like you want, the chances of you being born are near impossible, so live life the way you want, we’ve never asked to be born, you owe nothing to anyone, if you choose this lifestyle, remember that it’s your choice, you are your own god, you have the choice to decide, to take action or inaction, you are the hero of your own world, you are GOD.
The Impossible Drive
The impossible drive makes all impossibilities possible based on the fact that it’s impossible to obtain said impossibility. Everything must be possible, but sometimes the path that has to reach to a certain destination is cut.
The force in question must continue, and as it cannot stop. The impossible drive activates to find the closest possible path to continue to its destination.The only thing is that the path that was before and the path that is after are not the same, but they are 99% similar, or less if the placement of the path is very far from the original path.
The force that changes paths will not see that is has actually changed paths, so everything is still set in motion. If the force does see a difference, and accepts it, it will continue it’s trajectory. If the force sees a difference, and does not accept it, the impossible drive will reactivate to send it back unto the original path (or something closer to the original path) with a changed destination, as it is impossible for this path to bring the force to it’s original destination.
In the end, all forces arrive at a destination, the intended one or not. (It is impossible for the force to stop, it can only change paths no matter what, hence the utility for the impossible drive.)
We will all meet each other in the very end.
Omnipotence
What is omnipotence? Omnipotence is the power to do and to know everything. But how do we become omnipotent? They say we cannot know without having seen. To be omnipotent, we have to do everything. We have to live, we have to do as many things as we can. We have to try everything, but we cannot learn everything in one lifetime. We also have to live every decision that we haven’t taken, and then live every other decision that you have not taken based on those unchosen decisions, and this continues for ad infinitum. But to live one life is not enough!
You must then have to live everyone else’s life, and all of their decisions! From the first human to the last! What about being an animal? A plant? In one life, you are a sunflower, in another you are the same sunflower who gets crushed by a child, in another the only sunflower who made it out alive in poisoned soil from a nuclear fallout. Then you have to live the life of every virus, molecule, atom, in every dimension! You must live life of all creation, planets that form, the stars, the universe, and when everything has been lived, l’omnipotence has been created.
Now what do you do when you become omnipotent? You create. You create the sky, the lights, the cosmos, time, you create universes where the laws of physics are rewritten, cubic planets replace spherical ones, space is now dirt, with pockets of space inside), you create everything that you have lived, everything that you have seen. From then on, you create all possibilities of creation. And everything I just wrote, everything else you can and cannot imagine, is just 1/∞ of what we can live or create! I am certain that there are some crazy things that would make our minds explode!
If I woke up omnipotent, if I had lived and created all possible lives, I would keep the one I am in now for last. I would help people, and I would know exactly what to say or do, as I would have already lived your life and more. Every single possible joy, all of your angers, all of your sadness and depressions, all of your suicides, I would know them, as I would have lived them billions of times. There is a part of omnipotence in us all, in everything that we see, that we smell, hear and everything else that we are not even aware of. We are all important, we are all connected, omnipotence lives and breaths through us, we all have a piece of the puzzle in us.
But what came first? Creation, or life? Both, because one cannot exist without the other.
Don't quote me boy... -Easy E
You may have to be demented to be purely happy.
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With omnipotence, life is devoid of meaning.
Life is the only way to be free.
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Even when you think you are on top
....
keep your head low...
and Chill.
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You have made me miserable,
But you have also enlightened my soul,
There wouldn’t have been one without the other.
Now I am happier than I have ever been before.
<3 Society.
Quantum Death
Quantum death. What is it? First we have to define quantum suicide. They say that when you die, your body stays in this world, but your...”force”? Always finds a way to continue, to finish its life cycle. There are many movies where a character is on his deathbed and says they can feel the end coming. (and aren’t movies based on real events? They didn’t invent it just for Hollywoods sake, right?)
Now imagine all the times you almost had an accident. We almost have accidents on a near basis (well, it’s true for me). If we compare our near-accident to actual accidents, you probably have a lot more near-accidents than actual accidents. Is this normal? We could chalk it up to evolution, survival of the fittest.
People who survive have quicker reaction times than others. But we also think about not putting ourselves in situations where we will need to use our quick reflexes, so we do not rely on our reflexes that much, so genetically, this is a mute point, especially in the world we live in. Look at the people who live extreme lifestyles, soldiers, criminals, etc. I’m sure that they have near-accidents at every moment, and many survive untill the end of their lives. How do they do it? Chance? If I flip a coin 25 times, it has a 0.000003% chance of landing on heads each time. Life of an average human is 66 years, or 24,0000 days.
Let’s imagine that you have a near-accident once a day (I’m not talking about near-death accidents, but every kind of accident), and we live until the end of our life (old and ripe). Most people have not had that many near-life ending accidents in their lifetimes.
Now look at people who live extreme lifestyles, where everyday they face many potential life threatening accidents (but still live on to grow old). There are forums on the internet (What a great source!) where people say that they have have seen themselves die in a certain event, only to be “teleported” back into the past an instant before they die, where they then proceed to avoid said death. What if this happened constantly, that we have many “accidents” happen all the time, but we are just teleported into a kind of best case scenario, and we just don’t remember it?
But it would be impossible to teleport without affecting others around you, right? If I get run over by a car, someone else would see it. But then I would die. But this is impossible, as I am supposed to live until I finish my life cycle. So is this whole world and everyone in it just in my head? Personally, I see way too much emotion in people for me to believe that they are all part of my imagination. So if people are real, this would mean that I can never die in front of anyone, and they can never die in front of me, if we were all meant to finish our life cycles. This is why, for every near death, one of two things happen. In my world, I avoid the car, while in the other persons world, I get run over by the car. Hence, realities split.
I think we are all alone is this world, and everyone revolves around everyone else’s world. What if people who lived extreme lifestyles understood this concept? That no matter what they do, they know that they would survive. Is this why they risk their lives everyday? Are people who are around us just copies of the original person? Mere shadows who can die while their true form lives on until the end of their life cycle?
Do the originals never experience tragedy, because they always take the best possible decision? I know that I don’t always take the best decision, so I must be just a copy of the original, a mere shadow, so in who’s domaine do I live in right now? Who is the person who is on top of this world? Who has always taken the right decision, or at least the decisions that would bring them to the best possible outcome.
I wonder what my original is doing right now. Is there an opposite copy to the original? Is the opposite of the original even born? Would that mean that all other copies live at least for a little while, only the opposite of the original does not live at all? Maybe I am the original copy, and the tragedies and wrong decisions have no relation, as we learn from our mistakes, and that’s what is important. (I don’t really know if I've learn anything!)
The most important thing is to survive. Sometimes I think back to scenarios where I should have been dead, but I somehow made it out alive. Are serious accidents also part of our survival? Sometimes there is no perfect solution and one must undergo an accident? One thing is clear, we will all survive until the end of our lifecycle, so take risks, we may see you die, but we will know that you are still alive, that somewhere, you never missed that turn, and the ducks never attacked you till your death.
But what if we kill ourselves? Is it impossible to die? When you have wants, is there a part of you that continues to strive until you achieve it? Knowing this, am I going to take more risks? For what cause? Am I sure that this theory is real? Is everything we believe in real? I want to say yes. Do I want to attempt suicide to test the theory, for science? I prefer not to, for one, I would have no memory of the death (Maybe I have succeeded in suicide many times with no knowledge of it), and even if I succeeded, I would gain no new knowledge.
(I think that I have died multiple times in the past, I am a light weight, and on one occasion I drank a whole bottle of rum by myself (which is impossible for me) while doing illegal drugs. I woke up with no headache at all. I threw up a couple of times, but I just felt tired. I know in my heart that it was impossible for me to have survived that episode.
Can you relate to anything similar where you know that you should not be alive, or you should have been in a much worse condition than you found yourself in? I’d rather finish my life cycle. I will take more risks, but only for the thrill of gaining of new knowledge. It’s possible that I could end up with a broken leg by trying new things, but that’s why it’s called a risk! Personally, I would love to redo my life after the end of my life cycle, with the memories of my first life cycle. And one day, I will be in Nantes, and I will go to the store where I found you, little journal, and I will take you in my arms with a big smile on my face.
Maybe you won’t be the same journal, but you will be the same one for me, and only you will know my great secret, written between the lines <3
Praise Yourself (Because You are a God)
If we are our own god in our own world, it’s seems logical that the best person you can pray to is yourself. But if you pray to yourself, can you respond to yourself? Or do you listen only? If you respond, will your response become reality? If I respond yes, and it doesn’t become reality, would I start to not believe in myself anymore? If we don’t believe in ourselves anymore, what should we believe in? Who should we believe in? Is it childish to think we are our own gods of our own world? If the answer is no, I think that god cannot be omnipotent.. There are things he can do and other things he cannot do. Or maybe he chooses not to do it. Maybe this is why he stays silent. When I pray to myself, I don’t know if I can do something anyway. What if god was the same way? What if he didn’t know if he could do something or not? Might as well stay silent. Is god just a manifestation of our own personal gods from the whole populace from the beginning of time? If everyone asked god the same thing at the same time, would it just appear? Like magic?
To compare the relationship we have with god, and to compare the relationship we have with ourselves is difficult.
They say we have to accept god, I have accepted myself
They say we have to love god, I have loved myself.
They say we have to praise god, but I do not praise myself.
Maybe everything we do towards god, we must do to ourselves.
To ask forgiveness, to ask that god be close to you, or close to someone else (how would that work if you prayed to yourself to be close to someone who is far away?) That god protects you.
To become god, do we have to do all the actions that we do towards god to ourselves?
I say try it. Treat yourself like you would treat god, everyday.
What's the worst that could happen!?
That Crazy Adventure we call Life
I’ve just realized that I am a paranoid person. I feel like everyone is looking at me, and talking about me, in both good and bad ways. But I don’t care, it doesn’t warm my heart or pain me. I am the “seren paranoid”, my paranoia doesn’t affect me. It’s only become a part of my everyday life. What if I was right? What if everyone really was looking at me, and constantly talked about me? Why me? What’s so special about me? Am I on the Truman show? Can they see what I'm writing right now!? Am I that interesting!? I don’t think so... Should I find a cure for my paranoia? If I don’t care, what’s the point, I might as well live with it. Might as well think that I am the center of the world for the rest of my life. Might as well give them a show, really give them a reason to talk about me, even if it really is all in my head. I am the lead actor in my own world. What’s stopping me? Who is my audience? Do I have one? Sometimes I tell myself that I do. Maybe I am my own audience. Deep inside of me, I know that I am not, so go ahead! Send me some crazy adventures!
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Sometimes, I feel like the world is in love with me.
That Nike Checkmark
The Nike Slogan
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It can be applied everywhere in life, in the social, in the workplace, it can help move your ass in life! Who cares, do it! We have a life to live, might as well make the most of it! Do the things we want to do. We can’t say “I will do it tomorrow”, we have to do it today, right now! I think the slogan is excellent, this is what I want to be, it’s my goal, but I have to work on it. I am a very slow learner, but when I make it, I’ll make it, and nothing will stop me. I didn’t think I’d be like this in the future, I guess that it depends on the circumstances of life, but for now, it’s what I want!
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Just Do It
In 10 minuets or less.
I wrote the below on August 2015, I am a different person recopying this now, and will be a different person by the time you read this. Maybe I should do a new one every 5 years and compare...
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I am me. My favorite subjects are philosophy and sex. I think I like provoking people. When I laugh, it’s probably not for the same reasons as other people, but other times it is. I can be the craziest person in the room ,and the calmest in ten minuets. I can go up to a girl and ask her if they want my dick up their nose, then go up to another girl and not know what to say at all. I like pushing people in their craziness, I think people should do that more often. I think I am extreme, the alpha and the omega, white or black, everything or nothing. I never judge, I don’t like being mean, I never put myself in other people’s shoes. I could kill and think of something else ten minuets later, someone could rape me and I would think about something else ten minuets later. I don’t have a lot of emotions, one day I could laugh about everything, another I will think life is a joke, the next I will be the most caring person. I have very few social skills, I want to be nice to people, I like them in all their states, even if sometimes I don’t show it. I always feel like the world revolves around me when I am there. No one can hurt me, I am the only person who can hurt myself, but I love myself too much to hurt myself. I will be my last love. I could be friends with anyone. People have always hurt me, and they will always try to hurt me until my death, but it doesn’t matter, it’s part of my life. I am almost always happy. If I'm not, give me 10 minuets to recompose myself.
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I am, whatever you say I am,
If I wasn’t, then why would you say I am.
-Eminem
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