but the language of sex. I knew nothing of it until recently, and now I know very little about it. In the past, I didn't see it, I was living in my own little world. When I got pulled out of my world, I saw all the negative things in people, and it scared me. Then I started to see the hidden language. Licking your lips, doing sexual gestures with your hand, moving your head up and down to tell you yes, they are ok with you trying to do whatever they want you to do with them, moving to a specific location to be “seen” only to move back to their original position.
In the beginning, I thought the whole thing was ridiculous, I'd laugh when anyone tried to communicate with me in this manner. I never wanted to show myself, I never wanted to leave my “zone”. I remember when I was a kid, there was a classmate who would constantly have a blank face. Happy, sad, angry, you could never tell. I think that I thought that showing your emotions was a weakness. When someone tried to hurt you or mock you, I had it in my head to never show it, never have any reaction to anything to make others think that they had “won”. Never would I swallow my spit, never would I blink, or look away from the person. In my head, to do any of these actions would mean that I had lost.I think that I closed myself off to any type of body language out of defense, because I wanted my own to be unreadable. Maybe that's why I found all of it ridiculous.
All that changed one night when I was in a bar. There was a girl talking to her friend, obviously about me, that I shouldn't smile or laugh when people try to engage me in a sexual manner, that they are exposing themselves, they are exposing themselves to attain a goal, and when the other person don't take them seriously, it hurts them. That changed something in me, that I should respect the people who put themselves out there, no matter how ridiculous it seems, they are trying. Ever sine I have noticed these non-verbal sexual acts, I have been laughing at it, and at that moment, I realized I was one of the biggest assholes when it came to this subject, and I didn't even know it. This is probably one of the reasons I have little friends, blanketed around my own ignorance.
Sex is very important for many people. I find it important too, but I don't find it essential. I love to pleasure people 1000x more than I like receiving. I'm just very shy really. Is shyness a product of fear? Why is it that I am not at all shy in any aspect of a sexual encounter except for the first kiss part? In the past, I could do all of these without thinking. Now I never seem to find the right moment. Is there even a right moment? How do I proceed? How did I kiss people in the past? I never even thought about how I did it before, but suddenly, it's become a mystery, as if all my past kissing experiences have disappeared. Why wasn't I as shy in the past when talking to strangers? I still don't know how to overcome these problems. If I write more, will it help me? Now, when I talk to strangers, my heart will beat really fast, for no reason, and my head becomes blank, and my body will become rigid. It's like something in me is stopping me from doing anything. Why am I so shy, why happened Laporte! I used to be the guy who didn't care about anything (or was I the guy who accepted everything?) How did I decay to such a point! If I can't talk to strangers anymore, or can't kiss anyone, have all my sexual skills been deleted too!?
I saw a guy with a shirt on, it said “relax and fuck it”, those words describe exactly who I was, and exactly the person I want to be again, but in a more evolved sense, where I also respect people's body language, learn this new language, and learn to respond to it. Also, I have to be careful with what I say, as it can be interpreted in another way. You can say that it's what I say that is important, not what others interpret it as. But I can also say that it is my job to communicate things in a certain way to create the most definitive interpretation one can possible make, if that makes sense, but it's never easy. Let's keep it as a discussion for another time.
What can I do to please someone when they are trying to get my attention? Look at them when cough? Show that I am interested if they caress their hair? Is it better to give my attention to someone, even if I am not interested? How do I make everyone happy? Is it more important to please yourself than others? In my opinion, it is selfish to only please yourself. Am I a slave to the people around me, here on this earth only to please them to the best of my ability only because I choose to? Do I even manage to please people at all!? It's funny how I don't care to just be a tool for others to take pleasure in, but in the end, aren't we all tools for other tools? What should I do... continue to do what I do? What do I even do? I don't even know anymore...
Sometimes I feel so different than other people. I wonder if everyone feels the same way. I wonder if there are any other people similar to me in this world. Where are these people!? Look at me being all selfish, “Look at me, I'm so different!!!!”. I still like everyone though, even if I don't show it. I find that the more vices people have, the more interesting they are. Sadly, most people hide their vices, for fear of being judged by others, who most likely have the exact same vices but are ashamed to admit it. This is another reason I can't communicate sexually with people anymore. I have the impression that everyone will listen and mock me, but people have mocked me my whole life, so I don't know why it's suddenly a problem. I am so weird (But aren't we all?).
I tell myself everyone is just as scared to talk about a certain subject as me, and that's why they make mock things. Maybe I can find a way to get over my fears, not by mocking others that approach them, but by laughing at them? No, I can't just laugh, because then people may think that I am making fun of them. I want to say that I can differentiate a mocking laugh and a genuine happy laugh, but sometimes, I could be wrong, because everything is in my head, right? If I go to work in my underwear, and I hear a laugh, will my paranoid mind think the laugh was about me, or something else? If I go to work with pants on, and hear the same life, what would I think? In both cases the laugh was about me, but in one, I think it is about me, and in the other scenario, my brain doesn't even register the laugh.
I'll have to check online to find a solution to this whole sexual language problem, but as of right now, I have no solutions in mind. I'm sure the answer will make me a much happier person. That's all really, things have been said. Now to pass into action. Did it do me good to write? Certainly. Will what I have written change anything? Like always, time will tell all. Now for a picture that has nothing to do with the subject.
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